Inspiration has come back to me!

Inspiration has come back to me!

I am very thankful to one person who first drove me crazy pushing me into a terrible condition a few days ago, but then became the source and inspiration for my writings; it has been three days now that I am writing fluently, each day with more number of words than I expected. While forgetting the world around me, by entering into an imaginary world of literature, I can't feel the loneliness and the emptiness of my surroundings in these holidays.   

It had been a very long time, that I did not have a pushy source of inspiration that force me organize myself better with the half-done writing pieces and couldn't begin the first steps of an organized writing schedule, but these days, first I wake up early, then as I have my breakfast, I go directly to my computer and as I turn it on, words come automatically into my mind to be put in order and form paragraphs of a story, characters appear and they present them to me and I catch them if they are interesting :)

Now that the sleeping giant is woken up in me, I am very optimistic and hopeful that the year 2015 would be a year of success in this field.

Thanks for inspiring me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!     

“Inspiration” where are you?!!

Inspiration Where Are You?!

September 3 2014

How many books I should have written by now, with all these subjects, stories and short stories that I have collected them over the years one above the other in my mind that torture me time to time and I ask myself, why didn’t I write them all so far. May be, it wasn’t the right time to do so till now. However, it’s been five years now, since I wrote the first sentences of a so called novel but I remained in the last chapter how to finish it and I was blocked there. Then it was in 2011 when I sent some sample chapters of it to two of my dearest friends, to two different corners of the world, but some misunderstandings came in and the deal remained undone.

Then I began writing another one and went ahead with it to some point, almost to half of it I arrived, then again, little things to do, daily life problems, studies and work, all together gave a hand to create a real obstacle for going ahead to achieve the goal and finish the novel. This really brought me delusions and disappointments for a time, but now as I see and think, the problems are always accompanying all of us, but the winner is the one who takes it easy and goes ahead doing what really his hearts wants to do, without bowing to the problems of daily life.

In the midst of delusions, for a time, I read the biographies of novelists, story tellers, and short story writers and I got to know how some of them lived, then I really understood that life is not easy for anyone but it is changeable if we really want to. 

Nowadays I am thinking again about it, especially after participating in Venice International Film Festival 2014, I am so charged with positive energy and want to continue writing the two half-done novels and many other short stories that I wrote them partially.

Once, jogging helped me a lot with concentration and focusing on what I was writing, these days after a long break, I began again jogging in the park right next to my street and I can feel the difference. When I run, the music is on and in spite of a mixture of lyrics of the music with things I think about, my brain functions better and at the end, when I am done with running, I feel to have a lot of energy to do positive things, and I feel if I make mistake, I would have energy to do it, again and again until I do it the best possible way.    

But the most important reason that is helping me very much to go ahead with half-done writings and new writing projects these days is the LOVE of someone. Someone new is coming into my life and that is how a person like me can be positively charged with, when finding a new value and a meaning for his life.

Even if, my throat will be scratched but I will still shout aloud;

“Inspiration where you?!!” It is time for you to come to me, I’ve been waiting for ages for you!

The Twelfth Monkey (A short story)

The Twelfth Monkey

A short story by Amin Wahidi

That was the only street to get through and reach to the movie theater and that day was the last day of that particular movie on the screens that I couldn’t miss, but that narrow street was a bit different now, so crowded and full of different people you don’t know what they were there for, neither they were queuing for the movie, it didn’t seem to be a demonstration either, it was like a public gathering for a speech but who could be there for a speech in that time of night, who knows perhaps a private party of irresponsible people of the city on the streets. Just you see a lot of people gathering in a point as bunch of idiots and you don’t know the reason. The only thing that bothers you is that they block the street and don’t let the people walk on the sidewalk and go where they need to. The other odd thing was the strange smell, as if everyone stank, all had a similar smell someway, a strange smell, as if none of them have taken a shower for months, and I couldn’t imagine I rushed and tried to pull me out of the crowd and make a way to reach to the movie theater, but I couldn’t move and make away among those crazy people, who time to time made a loud noise like “a hurrah!”.    

Getting closer to the movie theater building, I remembered there was a big electronic store along side the street called, THE MONKEY BUSINESS STORE. Oh, now I knew that there was something new coming at the store, may be a new device, one of those that once first changed my life and then destroyed it for a time, and may be therefore the people made that crowd to get one of those, a newer version may be, and as I got closer to the store, I found a long queue started from the store entrance that continued up to the next street and the crowd who made noise, were the ones who couldn’t have a chance to get into the beginning of the queue and remained almost at the end of the queue and were worrying not be able to purchase the newly arrived device.  

As I got closer to the crowd, the smell got stronger and stronger that anyone could smell it without being so sensitive with the sense of smelling. As I went further and further within the crowd of the people, I noticed strange attitudes of them, as if they were crazy, or they were given some medicines as a result of which they acted like this, without knowing what they were doing. Some were trying to climb on the lamppost pole, some were screaming in a strange way that you couldn’t understand if they were happy or sad, and many more were by themselves with a small device in hand, probably an older version and by clicking and touching them they made them happy and then showed their inner feelings about it which appeared on their faces, but some faces seemed very different than faces of human beings, for an instant, they almost seemed to me as non-humans. Among those with a device in hand some were dancing while having earphones in the ears and were moving their heads crazily, up and down, but you couldn’t understand it, as you didn’t hear the music they heard, the music for craziness, may be the only medicine for human beings to become non-humans at least for a while.  

In a moment, I wished I weren’t there, among a crowd of all crazy people but it was not in my hand anymore, because it was out of control to be stuck in the middle of hundreds of crazy people. I was about to scream and as ask for help to get out of it, but who would hear my scream with all that mess there. In between deciding how to get out of that bustle, for a while, I felt a slight inner wish to remain there for a longer while, at least to experience and feel a world different from mine one, but there was no use for it either when I thought about it much deeper. This crazy world of mess wasn’t better than that one of mine; it is true that lately I was lonely, but my loneliness was a self-imposed imprisonment in loneliness for a while to discover myself better and to know my defects, and treat them by thoughts and feelings, but theirs was of craziness I thought.

*******

For a while I thought of the device, the damn device that hurt me, my feelings and my life plans that took me almost to confusion. The device that I had it with me until a few days before, the one I thought would change my life and my destiny but not only couldn’t do it, it complicated my life more than before. It almost took me to the edge of the-last –station peril. But thank God, I just suffocated that Hellish device before it destroyed completely my life.

I just remembered the very first day that I bought it after insistence of a dear one from other side of the ocean, who said, having such an important device helps communicate better with the world, and of course with her. I bought it after many days of resistance, because for long I thought a device of such kind would not help better the world, but just makes us very dependent on it and we tend to forget many other things which we still own in out normal human life.    

My eyes glittered for a kind of happiness, the moment I had it. After I bought, it the first day it really seemed to be as useful as the dear one on the other side of the ocean had told me, but in fact it wasn’t exactly that way.

“What an easy life!” at the beginning I thought, since I had it with me. My time passed better now, as it seemed. There was no need anymore to take a pen and a paper always with you, wherever you go, but that device helped you much more, and worked better. Whatsoever you thought in your head, the device proposed you already, as if it had already read your mind.

It had been ages that I hadn’t written even a single word on a piece of paper, and it seemed that I would not have any relation with a pen and paper anymore, but things changed for a while after the device, from the other hand, in part it was true, my communication with the dear one on the other side of the ocean got better with the help of the device.

After the first days, life was not going the way it should be, there was a real hotchpotch and I couldn’t figure it out how to solve problems as they gathered one on the other just after a few eyes blinks and piled and became a real challenge a head of me, “it is all because of that ominous device” that had newly come to my life I thought and at once, I took the device and stroke it hardly against the wall at once, without thinking about its consequences, and it broke  

******

A bunch of jackanapes broke the string of my thoughts about my life, my past and the device I used to have for a while, as they cheered up after the announcement; WELCOME TO THE MONKEY BUSINESS STORE then the doors of the store opened and again there was a mess in that middle of night, while the strange people were entering into the store to buy the new device.

Oh, my God! It was too late for the movie and I had missed even the last show-time because of these bastard crazy people who made this crowd for a nonsense device. 

Among the crowd, I dared to ask the one who was standing in front of me, his back to my side and with big headphones on the head, was listening to music, he turned his face and whooping said, Whoot?!

Oh, my God!!! I couldn’t believe my eyes, he was an ape! He then pointed to the other person, may be saying me to ask the other person. I was trembling and I wasn’t sure whether what I was seeing was real or a dream, however, I asked sorry and went to other person standing beside, slowly touched his arm and asked, excuse me, what are they selling in the store in this hour of the night;

He moved his face, screeching he said, THE NEW VERSION OF THE DEVICE has come to the market, and happily he followed the queue, he was like a monkey.

I was really afraid, seeing this scene. Then people went to the store, one by one and then it was there under the light of the store that everyone was seen clearly; all these people were monkeys, apes and gorillas, I couldn’t believe to see such a real scene in my life, I thought I was watching a movie.

Now was the real time, to escape and reach to somewhere safe, somewhere different and free of monkeys to live without fear of the monkeys and chimpanzees in the city, now I got to know why it smelt differently, other than smell of human beings.             

   

On the other hand, I was happy to see such a real scene in my life so whenever making a movie about such an incident, the attack of monkeys and guerrillas in the cities this would help you imagine, but rather I was afraid of such incidents in the town. I didn’t have my damn camera with me, to have all registered as a record and as a rich footage for my next film.

As the queue got shorter, there was enough space to go out and escape as soon as possible towards home. The quickest thing I could get was the metro, and I entered it and waited for the one to my direction. There were three minutes to wait, but it passed a hell of three hours, I was so worried, about what would happen, about the future of my life and my family. About the device and many other devices that I thought would destroy our human life soon one day.

I came to the main road and get close to the metro, but until there, almost everyone seemed to be the same, as the ones queuing in the store, and all of them smelt the same, as chimpanzees or gorillas,

The metro came one minute late and I went in. In that wagon, there were only a few people, but they were all almost the same as the people outside, only a group of the three were playing with each other with their devices in hand and once was murmuring happily what she was listening from her headphones that were connected to her device.

There were two or three each by himself, clicking the device and time to time, laughing, but none were talking to each other. While each of them was playing with a device in hand; one was laughing, one was moving his head, the other one in front of me and was shouting, I was confused what to do.

At once, all of the monkeys in the wagon began coming closer to me in a very organized way, as if they had already decided to besiege me, as they were getting closer, I could still count them, and they were eleven monkeys. By any second they got closer and closer to me, and seemed to be so happy and satisfied for what they were doing, I could see it in their eyes; the sense of satisfaction and their triumph over a lonely human being in a metro wagon in that middle of night.    

The metro stopped at sudden and I thought it was the station while thanking God to have arrived near home, but when the doors of the wagon opened, the announcement was “WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE!”

Then I heard the monkeys altogether saying to me; “YOU ARE THE TWELFTH MONKEY in this wagon, where is your device? We were waiting for you!”  Then I don’t remember anything else.

*******

I was waking up by my girlfriend’s slightly slapping on my face, trying to wake me up, after hours of dizziness. She was also putting a drenched cotton handkerchief on my forehead to control my fever, beside her is sitting Dr. Pir Dana, our family doctor who is now relaxed seeing me opening my eyes. He also seemed to be tired after hours of being beside my bed to control my fever and to make me feel better, prescribing medicines. 

While giving me a kiss, Sheila is holding me tightly saying; “Darling, you know you did today?” but I am still in the middle confusion, still having fear of the MONKEY BUSINESS STORE ambient and what all I saw outside on the street but she burst laughing, “What you did today, is something that we must send it to the journalist”, then Dr. Pir Dana also laughs confirming what Sheila had said.

Beside my bed, there is Max our dachshund, reclining on the floor, but seems to be unhappy or ashamed, because he is not moving around house, but is calm and quiet in one point. Since Max came to live with us, as a nickname, we use “The Little Big Man” for him because it is a grown dog with a small body. Max was a gift of Sheila’s father on my 26^th birthday and now it’s been three years he is living with us.

There is a strange smell at home. And while Sheila talks and laughs, Max wails poorly as if he wants to complain to me for something, because whenever he does something wrong at home and Sheila fights him, I am the one who defend him and pets him.

I am still confused for what I did that made Sheila and Dr. Dana laugh about it,  I don’t remember any thing after the eleven monkeys on the metro wagon came to me. I ask Sheila, what I did wrong and why Max is trying to tell me something.

Dr. Pir Dana asks to go, giving some recommendations in case if my fever will again be high or I will again be unconscious, then he leaves and I thank him with very little energy that I still have. I don’t know how to thank him; he has been like a father to me and Sheila since we have moved here. 

 

Sheila comes and holds me tightly and begins again laughing while asking me strange questions; 

“Darling, who is your dear one on the other side of the ocean?”

“What do you mean?”

“You were calling and asking for someone to come from the other part of the ocean to meet you?”

“Oh, really I did it?”

I didn’t know what I did after that incident of last night, after I was unconscious, it just increases my curiosity and I ask Sheila who brought me home from the metro.

She then, laughs and repeats, “Since we moved here from Milano, we do not have a metro in this small town darling”

She is right; it is me who is confused now. “You are right, my love but tell me who saved my life from the monkeys”  

She again laughs and says, “You must have drunk too much my dear”    

“Don’t you smell something strange at home today?” Asks me Sheila, “Yes, it is the same as the last night on the street, with the monkeys”

Sheila burst laughing again. “Which monkeys are you talking about”.

“The ones, I saw in metro, the ones which were trying to attack me.”

“Darling, there are no monkeys around, which metro are you talking about? We don’t have any metro here in out town.”

“The Monkeys that were around the Monkey Business Store making a long queue”

After I repeat different silly and nonsense questions, she frowns and says, “I didn’t know medicines for dogs would be so strong” then she smiles.

“What do you mean by that?”  “Please tell me who brought me home after the incident?”

“You came by yourself from work as usual but here you did something wrong then went to a long sleep”

“Here I did something wrong and then I went to sleep? I don’t understand what you say”

“Don’t you remember? Really?!”

“No, darling, I don’t remember anything except the eleven monkeys in metro that were attacking me, that is it”

“Well, darling, when I came home, I found Max ill, and the whole house was dirty because of his diarrhea. I went to vet and brought him some medicine, mixed it with milk and put in a glass to mix it, so to pour it then in his plate”

Then you came, and we talked for a while and then …..

“Oh, you mean the milk I drunk was with medicine for Max?”

“I think so”

“Ha ha ha ha ha, Oh, poor Max, I toke your medicine”

 “How is Max now?”

“He is better, I gave him medicine”

“And the consequence is what I see now, you are saying odd things”

“I say strange things? Sorry darling”

“And thanks for the present you brought me today darling?”

“Present? Which present are you talking about baby?”

“The I-Phone 12 that came today in the market, you said they opened a new APPLE STORE near your work.”

“I bought you an I-Phone 12 today?”

“Yes, darling, don’t you remember?”

“No, honey, accept those dangerous monkeys I don’t remember anything else”

“Oh, darling, it is better to go out tonight, get some fresh air and open your mind,”

“Where do you suggest going?”

“Let’s go to the movies, you have promised to take me to the movies this week, let’s go tonight.

We watched Tarzan together on TV before you went unconscious and you said you liked it,  then we watched the trailer of a fantastic movie on TV, don't you remember all these from tonight”

“No!What do you want to watch in the movies?”

“DAWN, PLANET OF THE APES, I guess, it is what you promised to take me”

“Oh!!!”

My (Talking) Heart is broken into two parts!

My (talking) heart will be divided into two parts hereafter.

I will keep one part here and the other one on another page on the net to share more things with you on continuous basis on the other page called; UFWA.

(UFWA) Unidentified Flying Words in the Air is a blog of wandering words and prohibited verses that do not come out of mind but out of a heart. These words if not called poems are somehow to form a kind of poetic rhythm in the air through reflections of love and life and intend to enter right into the hearts as they came from a heart.

Italian is not my first language though, but recently I have been able to gain some skills in writing short poem-like sentences which has been easier for me than prose.

Since the flower of my Italian is blooming, I have been written so-called poems in Italian some of which are already admired by my Italian friends and this fact gave me more energy and courage to continue and write more and more of them.

So far I have written a thirty of them and the number of them is increasing day after day I hope.

This blog at the end of the day will be published in the form of a poetry book (if found an editor/publisher) and is dedicated and the royalty incomes will be allocated to a Kabul orphanage and a drug- addicted curing point based in Kabul.

Therefore any kind of use or repetition of these words in any print or online page is not allowed unless asked the permission from the blog owner.

So please read the page and enjoy: UFWA (Unidentified Flying Words in Air)

Mohammad Amin Wahidi

Fuckaldo Kuee: I’m Lost in Translation!

When I will learn Italian perfectly, God knows only, but I am sure for one thing and that is; I will make many embarrassing experiences until I perfect my Italian.

Like in many other languages in Italian as well there are certain expressions and “modi di dire” that are not translated literally otherwise their meanings are totally different.

“Prendere (qualcuno) in giro” literally in translation could mean “taking (someone) to a walk, a drive or a ride” but the expression means “making fun of (someone)” or “making joke on (someone)” or “teasing some one”.

“Dare una mano” means “giving a hand” or “helping” so in this case “chiedere una mano” or “chiedere a qualcuno a dare una mano” means “asking a hand” or asking someone to give a hand or help or asking for “someone’s help” while “Chiedere la mano di qualcuno” is totally different, that means to court someone! “Dare la mano” especially for girls means “giving an OKAY for wedding or engagement request of a man”.

The first word that I always made mistake pronouncing it, was the Green Line Metro direction in Milan that is called “Cologno” the name of a place, which is very similar in pronunciation to the word “Coglione” that means “testicles” and that is used a lot on daily basis anywhere you go.

It is may be because, there are fewer letters in Italian alphabet, therefore the words are very similar very little spelling differences.

My Chatting Errors!

A few days ago, when I needed a help in translation of something, I began looking for friends here there to see who could help me out. While chatting with a friend I needed her help for that translation of some pages from English into Italian. And this is the result you see below.

Embarrassing Chatting Error 1 (in Italian)

A: Ciao …… come stai?

B: Bene, bene, e tu?

A: Bene. grazie. Volevo chiederti una cosa.

B: Si, dimmi. Hai bisogno?

A: Voevo chiederti “la tua mano” per uan cosa.

B: Cosa?!! La mia mano?

A: Si.

B: Ma cosa stai dicendo?!

A: Si, ho qualche documento e volevo traddure in Italiano, da Inglese a Italiano.

B: e quindi?

A: Volevo che mi aiuasse!

B: Ah, okay. Ho capito. Ti serve “una mano”.

A: Esatto. Mi serve “la tua mano”!

B: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, No! In Italiano non si dice “la tua mano” altrimenti ti capiscono male. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Va bene allora, mandamelo, ti aiuto io!

A: Grazie.

B: Ma figurati! Mi avevi spaventato! Ha ha ah a

A: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ma perche’?

Embarrassing Chatting Error 2 (in Italian)

A: Sai che da quando ci siamo visti l’altra volta, ho sempre desiderato di rivederti ogni giorno!

B: Grazie!

A: Sai che sei bella, la piu’ bella ragazza che ho conosciuto in tutta la citta’!

B: Ma dai, “mi prendi in giro”, direi.

A: Si! Quando vuoi!

B: Ma che deficiente che sei!!

A: Se vuoi “ti prendo in giro”, facciamo un bel giro, non lo so dove, andiamo da qualche parte nella citta’, forse tu conosci la citta’ meglio di me.

B: ah, mmmm, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha che strano che sei!

A: Ma perche?

B: Niente! Si, e’ una bella idea!

A: Quindi ci sei?

B: Si, usciamo fine settimana, ti va bene?

A: Si va bene! Ma una cosa, non avevo capito, la parola “difficente?”

B: Lascia peredere, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

When the Moon smiles at you

It was almost dark when I came out of home this evening. All day I was at home; reading, writing, chatting, Facebooking and watching film.

From my room, I could just hear the wind blowing which made sounds of a kind of crunch, crunch when the leafless branches of the trees were trembling shaken by it, but I hadn’t noticed the sky if it were thickly cloudy or purely blue.

Having not noticed outside, neither have watched the weather report, I took my little umbrella with me as usual when I came out of home just to be more careful in case if it rained or snowed late today.

I came out of home, heading towards work, with my little umbrella in my hand then I noticed the cleanness of the sky; “Oh!” I said “the umbrella is not needed” but it was already late to return home and put it back.

In a few steps away from home, I noticed the stars blinking at me, but more embarrassing was the way the Moon looked at me with its half face, giving me a warm smile, perhaps it thought that I was a fool or a sleep-walker with an umbrella in hand in an evening with a clean sky.

However, that warm smile of the Moon this evening at me will never be erased from my memory. At least I think it will remind of not taking an umbrella with me with the sky is pure blue!

CAPODANNO 2012: TUTTI PAZZI PER IL CINEMA!

Messaggio per i 100 magnifici del futuro del Cinema Italiano

Spero che finite l’anno 2011 con un HAPPY ENDING e l’anno 2012 cominci con un CIAK di un altro TURNING POINT nella vostra vita.

Vi auguro felicita’ per ogni INQUADRATURA, ogni SCENA ed ogni SEQUENZA della vostra vita nel 2012.

Spero che andiate nei bei LOCATION, nei posti pieno di PELLICOLE, LUCI, MICROFONI, COSTUMI, PARRUCHE e tutto cio’ che volete e desiderate nella vostra vita.

Spero che ogni volta che aprite i vostri occhi vedete dei bei ATTORI e belle ATTRICI attorno a voi.

Spero che dovunque andate sentite IL CANTO D’AMORE con una qualita’ DOLBY DIGITAL.

Spero che passate l’anno Nuovo 2012 senza nessuno dei 5 FERITE Coviniano, e nessuno VUOTO Magioniano.

E alla fine, se avreste qualche OSTICOLI nelle pagine della vostra vita nell’anno nuovo, spero che anche abbiate un Mc con FINAL CUT Pro o WINDOWS con PREMIERE Pro a rimontare le SCENE delle vostra vita con un MONTAGGIO NON LINEARE per poter dimenticare le difficulta’ della vita, spero che anche usate SHIFT +DELETE per le SCENE che siano brutte nella vostra vita.

Anche se dicono tante cose su 2012 ma non dovete credere e non abbiate paura, il mondo non finisce qui, LA STRADA e piu’ lunga e noi dobbiamo andare alla SFIDA con una SPADA a combattare le difficulta’.

Secondo me chiunque parla male del 2012 a far paura gli altri, e’ UN NEMICO PUBBLICO.

Per noi basta lavare i nostri occhi e vedere il mondo in un modo diverso nel 2012, in HD ad esempio, tutto cambiera’!

Augurandovi un Buon Anno Nuovo, intanto voglio ricordarvi che non vi preoccupate ragazzi! Perche arrivera’ FINALMENTE LA FELICITA’. UN GIORNO sara' TUTTO BENE, perche Siamo nella scuola migliore del CINEMA, quinidi THIS MUST BE THE PLACE, dove alla fine tutti noi diventiamo THE ARTISTS.

Lo so che siete abastanza corragiosi, HEREAFTER dobbiamo essere tranquili che non succedera’ niente di male o di particolare nel 2012, perche’ tutto cio’ che doveva succedere, e’ gia’ successo nel 2011, quindi NIENTE PAURA!

IL NOSTRO DOMANI sara molto bello, se non ci sara' UNA SEPARAZIONE fra i compagni di scuola.

Uscite a MEZZANOTTE A MILANO a festeggiare il CAPODANNO e passare il vostro tempo felicemente.

BUON ANNO 2012 e TANTI TANTI AUGURI!

Taste of Ulcer, Joy of Pain and Silence of God

Photo by Cosimo Filippini 2008

When Insomnia is no more a new thing, there are other new things ahead to come to you. This time, could this be a pain from a wound inside you, not a moral wound itself, but a physical wound caused by moral wounds and sufferings. Wounds which are sometimes necessary to have them as navigators of life, as determiners of the directions and as warning lights of limitations of our actions. Wounds that bring you pain, and pain that would let you suffer as much as it wants and then it is you responsible what to do with suffering from those pains; whether to free you from the pain forever or let you be in it and experiencing a kind of strange joy given by it. You may then have a joyful experiment with it.

****

Well, simply saying, the case is “ulcer”, a disease that is common and many can have it very easily, no price to pay to have it, it is enough to be careless and to have a little bit more stress in your daily life, that is it, you could have it!

Disorder in your meal time, not having good meal, repeatedly made meals, using a lot of conserved meal etcetera could be one part, then you should have many other problems as well to have a nice “ulcer” the best possible way.

You have to be far from you family, remember them all days, miss them a lot, be single and have no girlfriend for a couple of years, then you must have problems at your work, problems with working hours, irregularity in what you eat during your working hours etcetera could also help you get the “ulcer” much faster.

Good to be concerned about your people, the innocent ones who are being killed all days back home like sheep in an abattoir without any guilt, this would also help your “ulcer” grow better.

But one big thing that is very necessary for the process of having a nice “ulcer” is your preoccupation for a future that you do not know about; especially when you apply for a school and then you do not know what would happen with the results. These expectancies can ease the process of the “ulcer” and you can have a perfect “ulcer” without a doubt.

Once you got it, it is the time to relax, forget everything else in your life and just spend all your time to coup with it.

****

It’s been now, a year and half or a couple of years that I coup with “ulcer”. Years back, I had heard about it especially during the holy month of Ramadan, the people who could not fast, were entitled to have “ulcer” but then I laughed on them and thought, “what weak people they were”, for a small stomach problem, they avoid fasting. Although later it revealed that many others just were using the name of “ulcer” as an excuse for avoiding fasting, however I could now feel very well, the people with real “ulcer”.

And finally years after it came to me during this year’s Ramadan. The same thing happened to me; I could not fast as I could not resist without eating or drinking for up to sixteen hours. The other bad thing, I’d always hated was the to have a big abdomen, since my childhood, I’d always wondered why people have big abdomen and whenever I saw fat people, they seemed to me funny, I laughed on them whether on my face or just in my mind. And now with the “ulcer” I myself have a big belly. It is almost always inflated and I feel shameful about it. In Afghanistan, once it used to be a “bella figura” to have a big belly, the men with big abdomen were mostly the rich Hajis, who were so proud of their big stomach and were thought to be respectful in the society. And now, I, with an “ulcer”, an invisible point of pain inside my stomach, see how things could come to people who never expected them. Now I remember very well, my mom’s saying to me; “do not laugh on people, so one day they won’t laugh on you, because the world is round and things are gonna go and come back to you in this circle”. That is my mom’s most valuable advice and lesson for me.

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Time is tough when you have an “ulcer”. It is hard especially when you are ordered for a long list of diet, but no matter with it though, it is worse when you have to wake up in the middle of night and have something to eat so stop the pain of your stomach. And when you live in a kind of “students shared room structures”, you’ll have to disturb room mate(s) and every one else.

Having an “ulcer”, you are most of the time by yourself, you do not have the sense of socialization, you lose the sense of humor, you like to be alone, isolated and within your own world which in long period may hurt you mentally and psychologically.

People or friends who do not know from inside you, think, you are selfish, or you have changed much by time, but who knows you are in conflict with yourself, with a part of your body, with a small invisible wound that is meaner than any other enemies of you.

But who can see and feel it to understand you? No one!

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Apart from its negative aspects that you feel you are isolated or abandoned by the others, with an “ulcer”, life is very different as well. The “ulcer”, as a turning point in one’s life, works as an awakening alarm to show the fragility of life, especially when you have big dreams, many plans and programs to accomplish and then you see only a small wound that you have never thought of, threatens you from inside your stomach, so you have to be fast in your actions and be very careful with your timelines; before something happens to your life, do your best with your accomplishments to leave a good trace behind you as you’ve always thought about and dreamed of.

It leads you to a trip on a different path. On this path, you feel a kind of burning pain inside you that no one else could feel or see what is going on with you, but on the other hand, this burning pain is what keeps you awake until late nights to think, to feel and to understand the world through the silence and darkness of the night the importance of which is not discovered yet by the people. This feeling, this wound and this pain lets you be so free from many useless materialistic stuff in the world, lets you be deep, and leads you towards the stars in the sky each of which tells you a story by blinking to your eyes.

You may become irresistant and cry to the sky, seeking the answer from the creator that has created you; you may ask Him/Her why He/She had created you if He/She can not guarantee you, a painless life?! Why has He/She created you when He/She can not protect you against a small wound that is inside you?

You may shout aloud and cry to the sky, what is the purpose of your life that you’ve passed most part of it with wounds and pains?! You may shout aloud to the sky and ask “Is this the humanity?!” You cry and shout so loud to wake every one else saying; “Where is justice of God?!” But nothing happens.

With all your cries and wails, you get no answers and God is still silent as ever. He/She is silent as He/She has been all the time. You cry, cry, wail, shout and hit your head to the wall but you don’t get any answers yet, God is still silent!

He/She is still silent, as if, no one has ever suffered, as if no one has ever cried or wailed for justice.

He/She is silent as if there has never been injustice and sufferance in the world He/She has created. He/She is silent as if He/She has no eyes to see what His/Her creatures do on his created globe.

The silence of God disappoints you and you have to stop asking Him/Her again and again!

The grandeur of late night silences, the loneliness, the openness of your heart late at night, and the meaning of God, all and all helps you feel humanity and the value of mankind better. It helps you turn to yourself, to know you better, to think, question and seek the answer about your own existence from yourself, what you are for, why you have come and what you have to do.

At the end, without receiving any kind of answers from God, you thank that is the little wound inside you “ulcer” that has forced you at least to think about all these things and seek an answer for them.

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Sometime ago, I heard in her interview, that Sussan Taslimi, Iranian-Swedish Actress said that an artists should have a burning soul which would lead them in their artistic directions. Then a few months ago, actually in last winter when we were shooting in cold weather, a colleague asked “Is it not that we have to suffer for art?!” And finally a few days ago, when I met with the Iranian Film Director Asghar Farhadi during his film premiere in Milan, I learnt one thing from him and that is “it is him who has something inside that leads him make such films, so if he changes his working place or if he works on a multi-million budget film with Hollywoodian facilities, his films would still be the same, because he is grown that way and the force that is inside him, pushes him to make only such films.” He answered it to an audience’s question saying this.

Sadegh Hedayat in his famous book, “The Blind Owl” talked of existence of incurable wounds that remain for the whole life with human beings and eat their soul calmly in isolation; some people try to cure it with alcohol and drugs while they do not know that there are no cure yet for such wounds and these substances are only temporary remedy and then worsen the situation.

For him could these wounds be, not in a physical form but moral, however the case is the same at the end; eating yourself from inside with moral pains, you are finally led to physical wounds.

For the first time, I heard about the Silence of God in Ingmar Bergman’s beautiful film “Winter Light” where the protagonist, a priest is complaining for two things: the pains he has received in his life after the death of his wife and the Silence of God he has faced with in spite of praying and praying.

And then after all, I’ve always asked me; well, what is it that hurting thing inside a human being? What is it that would burn one and makes him/her reach nearly to the end and then return to a new beginning? But I haven’t found the sharp answer for it yet. Could this be a wound, any kind of wound; a moral one or physical one!

Have You Ever Lost The Sense of Life?

Life is like a rhythm that repeats time to time and we have no way, except getting used to it. Life is like music that you have to listen to it and enjoy it.

In this music time is very important, it exists but you do not feel it, until you get to know about it at once. It is like a seasonal perfume that passes by and gives you a sign of its passage. Actually time is like a passing- by breeze that goes, touches you softly, but you can not catch it, touch it or stop it.

And again crows! This morning after weeks of laziness or may be of being so busy with studies and other little things-to-do and of course the ulcer problem, I came out of home to run and discover who commands the world.

I went jogging to take deep breaths and get some inspirations for my writings. I really need to do something. My pen has been sleeping for a while, but now it has to shake a leg.

Especially now that I discovered, time is like a breeze that you can not touch or stop it, only feel it and when it goes away you regret for not being able to use it the way you should have been.

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And the crows, of course, which I hate, are the messengers of coldness for me. Anytime they begin to caw, I feel they make fun of human beings, even sometimes I feel, they threaten the human beings, or at least they threaten me; making the fun of human beings for how weak they are, given them the message that the greenery is gone and soon snow fall and everywhere will be whiten out and that it is the time, when only and only black dots and points like crows would reign happily on the world and make fun of the people. I don’t know why, when they caw, I feel they laugh harshly at people!

With snow, I am happy, I like snow, when everywhere is white, I feel very relaxed that there is equality all over the world and its beauty is extraordinary. But then the crows, try to grab this happiness from me, and I feel they threaten to whiteness of the snow, it may not be right though.

I’ve always hated crows and I don’t know why. I only know in my childhood, anytime I had bad time, there must have been a crow cawing in the background and whenever I had a nightmare or a bad feeling at night, I must have dreamed a crow and even now that I am grown, whenever the crows begin to caw, I feel they threaten me but I don’t know why and what for.

Years back, sometimes, when I hated someone, soon his image in my mind would turn into a crow. The first time I saw Mullah Omar’s one-eyed portrait, I just imagined him as a crow but honestly I don’t know why.

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It is mid October now, except some special kinds most of the trees still have green leaves, they are still colorful and beautiful, I can see that in spite of crows’ continues cawing, the trees still keep staying green.

May be in a month or so, they may change color, get pale, brown and bronze, but they will still be beautiful.

When they begin to fall, at first it is like a traffic light for me that let the other season come, but they are beautiful in their new color as well.

And autumn, in spite of its coldness, I like its beauty and the dancing falling leaves gives me a special feeling. And that, when it is getting cold, people, and lovers get closer, their hugs are warmer now in this new season.

In the first days in autumn when you walk on the sidewalks and trample the fallen leaves, the crunching sound may give you a sense of regret and sympathy for why you’d walked over them, but then you like the idea that the falling leaves go and let the new ones come out of the trees, it is the rule of the nature, you believe.

This idea relaxes you, and you don’t care anymore that each autumn is the alarm of passage of a year you’ve left behind, and you think it is okay, as long as there is life, you take breath, feel it and enjoy it. And if you have a good luck and chance, you would dance happily with this rhythmic music!

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I went jogging as once I used to, in the nearest park. It has been now a year that I live in this area and I use this park for running.

This may be the fifth or sixth park in this city I come to for jogging.I have discovered that jogging really helps me opening my mind and seeing things differently.

During these years, place to place I changed my home and now I am here in this zone of the city. Changing different places, I got to know different corner of the city, with their particularities. Here in this city, during these four years, I have been sad, happy, alone, with friends, full, empty, emotional, cold- hearted, faithful, Godless, hopeful, disappointed but I have continued to live and experience more and more possible.

The idea of “beginning to write again” came to my mind when I saw the postings of my blog, “Oh my God!” years have passed and this blog, that had to be a very personal window of my heart with the people outside, has remained un-posted for so long.

And now I have decided to write, write and write again to keep the heart of this blog throbbing so my own heart keep throbbing with it.