I have lost and found my God more than fifty times!

"Why human beings are so complicated sometimes?" Why are they made this way? Why are they so weak sometimes? And why do they need worshiping God? They are the questions that always bothers me and I asked many times myself why I was created this way but I didn’t find the answer yet, would it be better to ask God or the one who has created me, who has created all of us but no one has seen him or her yet. I am not sure, was it my nature from the beginning, or was it the surroundings that made me grow this way, worshiping God no I don’t remember and I don’t know it at all as I try very hard.

Actually sometimes it the blackness of blind nights when no one is around me to disturb me by breaking the fragile border of my loneliness, that guides me or better to say pushes me towards thinking about God. About the existence of someone who is always thinking about me, about someone who has created me and is taking care of me anywhere at anytime while I haven’t seen him or her yet as no one else did it so far.

Sometimes I blame myself for not worshiping enough my God, but neither do I know how to do it the best way. Is God only to be remembered when there is loneliness, when there is a problem when there is a peril or when there is a real dead-end?

Oh, my God, I looked for you everywhere, in the grandeur of the sea, in the depth of the night, in the crystal drops of rain and in the blueness of sky, anywhere I thought could be a sign of you as the only one, as the greatest one and as the creator of all creatures and you know where I find you finally? By looking for you in the strange places, I find you nowhere and I find you every where.

The people look for you in the mosques, temples and churches as if they don’t know of your presence everywhere as if they are unfamiliar with you or may be they are just in the search of only titles but not the reality of your essence.

Not only in I didn’t look for you in particular places but any beauties I saw, have related them to you somehow.

The beauty of the early moment of the sunrise, the rainbow after the rain, the tender drops of rain, the reddish color of the sunset, the blinks of the stars of the night are all for me somehow signs of your beauty.

Sometimes I find you in the beauty of smiles of a nice girl in Milan, who when smiles and her white teeth blink and her eyes spark in the eyes of the people looking her.

I find you in the beauty of the shape of a nice girl in Milan, and it is when I say to my self, “ Oh, my God, what an artistic trace you have created, and then I say, my God you made her when you had enough time to spend on her may be on a weekend, ha ha ha
And seeing that beautiful girl I come to believe that you are beautiful, you create beautiful things, and you like beautiful things.

Well, I know you since you gave me the senses, mind, feeling, love and sensation and then with all these freedom to think freely, and refer to you whenever I need you and wherever I find you, by all means, whenever I recognize you not by dictates of the others but by my own knowledge and choice.
Well, I feel lucky sometimes, that I know you, by your own meaning and by the power of the wisdom you gave me, with my own comprehension, but not by the force of any other person when I see whole system you created I really understand how small I am in comparison with those all, so I come to believe that you don’t need me to worship you as I am nothing in comparison to your power, your knowledge, and your grandeur, but instead I worship you to give myself a peace to give my conscience a relaxation and to have a judgment power within my own heart to control myself, to manage myself and then to achieve and maintain the real title you gave me; the best creature on the earth. That is all I think.

The others may look for you in the light of the sun in the day, but I look for you in the light of yourself even in the darkness of the night when everyone else is sleeping and everywhere is dark in black, it is you only entering into my heart with the ray of light of the sense you gave me.

I find you in the darkness of the night when nothing is seen, when no color is visible and distinguished in non existence of ray of light, it is you and because of the light you have, I could easily find you even in that darkness.

Some people and friends blame me of being infidel when I am looking for you in the strange places; in places where no one else would ever go to look for you, it is may be the way I have found you or have known you is different from the others for which I don’t care and I don’t have to care what the others say about, because the important is you, and you are the destination, while not important which way to reach to you.

One of the reasons I let myself to look for you anywhere I see beauties, is because I you have given me the freedom to select when you created me a free human with a wisdom.

Oh, God, I feel shameful sometimes because when I face with difficulties I come to remember you, and I say to myself why not always should I remember my God.

Well, I and should add this as well, when I make a plan to do something and I do my best, but then something wrote happens, then I say to myself, no God doesn’t exist, if existed then why didn’t help me out doing it the best I wanted to. When I come to deny you, or neglect you, the whole day, then I blame me of why doing this, but again at the end of the day, when my sadness finishes then I give me the right to be sad with you, as I don’t come to a logical point.

You know my God, sometimes I come to deny you when I see existence of many bad things in the world. Especially when confusion takes over* and I am mixed up with everything I say with my wails* through the depth of my hearth that why you don’t see all bad things in the world.

It is when I come to doubt you, your power, your justice, your ability and then at the end of the day, when I count better and relate things one to the other logically I again come to rely on you with a bit more carefulness and I see different evidences then I find out that well, I made a mistake to doubt you, to deny you which all because I lost my patience.

You know when else I get angry with you? I become sad with you when people misuse your name and your title for bad things and you don’t curse them all the soon needed. Sometimes it is when I see people commit crimes, kill people, betray to humanity and all bad things in the world and they legalize their actions just taking your name and relating all those to your name and at the end of the day , you don’t curse them, as you promised so.

I get sad, even angry with you, when I see all unjust and unfair treatments of people on the earth, especially by those who entitles them to be nearer than the others to you, and then I see, you don’t curse them and don’t demolish them, while I know and I am sure you are just, you are the founder of the justice but here I wonder where your justice is. I get sad with you when I see good people don’t live long, in the world, while the oppressors the dictators and the betrayers live long, well and with all comforts, it is when I come to believe that the paradise you promised may not exist for the day of the judgment.

Could I be infidel or not as may be felt by some of those who believe to be your most reliable believers but I say all these because I believe you are transparent and you like your creatures to be transparent , honest, and straightforward with you, so I am true and straightforward with you.

People, taking your name, do all possible bad things against the others and still you don’t curse them.

Therefore I don’t pray you five times a day, or three times a day as the others do, but I try to do things that you like and could be good for other creatures of yours.

I may not stand in public to show or pretend to pray you, but who knows how my heart throbs for you, who knows how I am searching you in every single good thing I see.

Others may only say but I do wish those things, for the others that I want for myself.
The others may look for you n public but I do look for you in the loneliness, where there is not a realtor or fake representative of you as a connector between us, but only I directly with you.

The reason of being sad with you could be of the freedom you gave me to be human along with the knowledge and the wisdom.

Oh, my God, help me always be the way you want me to be, always pure my heart and fill it with love, with brightness and with honesty so always thinking about you and always be useful for your other creatures, here is where I need your help, and the rest I do with the wisdom and power you already gave me.

And, oh my God, before finishing this writing, let me tell you about the most beautiful place I found you so far. The most beautiful place I found you so far is in the beauty of meanings of love and freedom, that is where I stop, concentrate and think about you and finally smile and feel happy.

خداوندا تو میدانی که انسان بودن و ماندن در این دنیا چه دشواراست

چه زجری میکشد آنکس که انسان است و از احساس شرشاراست

Life, fear, pain, rain and liberation!

It had been ages that I was witnessing a conflict inside me, between two parts of my inner essence, but I always took it for granted and never thought about it seriously as if I had seen nothing. Actually there had always been a conflict between my mind and my heart and this game is over finally these days, since I decided to compromise to one of them and let my soul fly out of the cage towards freedom from all responsibilities that exist for human beings on the land. It was possible when the fear as and old companion of my soul was gone away.

I did it finally and am not regretful for it but instead am very happy. As I said, am happy for finalizing it because I am moving out of inner chaos and quarrels after discovering a new way of continuing and going on towards everlasting.

Let me describe and compare these two parts first and then I will tell you how I have overcame this internal quarrel and achieved my victory.

My mind, a part that deals with logic, knowledge and senses always feels responsibility to do things correctly, as traditionally it is the habited in the world for every one, it alarms me of dangers, damages, and risks and always keeps me in panic on the other hand my heart is blind and generous, doesn’t go on with logics or understandings it just moves where ever there is no logic, there is no knowledgeable senses but instead where there are feelings, sensibilities and emotions. It sometimes behaves as a headstrong little child and goes wherever it wants to, and sometimes it is really hard to control it!

So far, many times it has been misled by my eyes and I tried my best to stop it through interference of my mind, but it doesn’t listen to me and most of the time it doesn’t obey my mind, what would I do then, I didn’t know.

It was almost becoming a dangerous civil war inside me and I didn’t know how to cease the fire in between the two parts. I was almost lost in between and didn’t know which one to believe, which one to trust. Both had reasons, reasons of their own each and it was not easy to take part of one and condemn the other one. Indeed there was need of judgment, a correct judgment, but I wasn’t able to do it, or I wasn’t the correct man to do it, perhaps, I didn’t dare to judge it. However, my heart said one thing and then my mind opposed it and when my mind commanded one thing, then my heart rejected it and didn’t accepted, and I was a witness in the middle, just a confused witness, without anything to say, actually I didn’t have the power to judge correctly, so, on the other hand, I never wanted to blame one and praise the other, so I always had to hesitate and this hesitation slowly on made me slow, powerless and drowning into confusion.

In the middle of confusion I was eating finishing myself quietly from inside which wasn’t seen by the others, by the people outside but it was me, suffering it from inside and as time passed, I went deeper into the confusion that was driving me towards an illusion which could gobble me soon.

I had different choices then; whether to hesitate and compromise to the confusion and go finish, to take part of mind, to take part of heart or to release my self from both the heart and mind and take a new way of living but I needed some help to choose either of the options.

I knew that finally I was coming to choose the third one, but still I need someone or something to share this idea with and act on it, but I had no one neither I knew anyone who could help me figure it out, how to come out of this quarrel. At least someone or something had to help me out and inspire me, how to liberate myself from the heart and mind business and begin a new way of living; a new life may be without neither one!

Well, as usual, first I referred to God this time again, and I asked him; “Oh, my God, please help me come out of this business, give me peace and tranquility” and I heard God saying me, “When coming to me, first, clean your heart and listen to what I say carefully, and then think about it with your mind and logics and then come to believe them.”
“Ouuuuuffffffff no! I came to you to escape my mind and my heart and again you started to talk about these two?!”

As I found that what God commands me, is all about mind and heart and again there is a link between what God says and what my mind and hearts quarrels on, no I can not come up with so I have to avoid it. Well, dear God, I am not the person you are looking for!

What else could I test and refer to? Music? Could it help me come out of confusion?
Well, I tested music but when I heard the first music sound, it went right into my heart; it really touched the threads of my heart and made me feel a pain in my heart. It went through inside my heart and made it drunken. So with music I am not neutral either because I took the part of my heart, and then what happens to my mind as I promised not to take part of one? No I can’t make it either. It is not something that could liberate me from the long lasting internal quarrel. There is still something related to heart and mind in it.

You know what?! Even once I decided to blind me; to take my eyes out of my skull because I thought it is all because of my eyes that see things and my heart runs for them and fall into craze and then my mind berates it, it is when the fight beings. However I then didn’t dare to do it, you know life is sweet.

On the other hand, to escape my mind, I wanted to go craze and lose my apprehension, but I found that I am already insane and it is useless to redo it, because there is no need for it.

Well, I had to see other things then; I tested reading books, I tested walking in the park in sunny days, I tried saying funny things and laughing with friends and many more things but unfortunately none of them were a help to come of out the problem and cure my disease. Oh, my God, help me out! I am totally confused!


And you know what? Finally, one day, in a rainy day, which I first thought were a sad and a bad day, but indeed it was the day I got my liberation. It was the day when I learnt how to liberate myself out of the responsibilities, out of the panic of life, out of fear of being a human, out of fear of what happens next and what to do then.


The rain, as a messenger of liberation has petted me tenderly while loping from up showering on me showing me how to stream as water, and how to bring smiles to the lips of buds, now to green and the greenery. Very simply as simple it is, the rain told me of not to be afraid of what all exists in the world and just let it go, as it goes.

The first moment, when it began to rain, I was baffled not having an umbrella, as every one does when it rains, not knowing the mercy of rain, again panic came to me, panic of being drenched, fear of getting dirty, fear of getting sick, fear of appearance of the eminent parts of my body as my clothes get wet and stuck tightly on my body, but I was totally wrong, as always negative, while in reality it was not the case and I was misunderstanding it. Perhaps, by then, I didn’t know about kindness, freshness, cleanness and the generosity of rain until I really felt it by my own senses from very close distance when it touched me.

So, it rained and slowly on drops of rain went into my clothes, first it was a bit strange, then as I was getting wetter I was losing fear and I was thinking fear of what?
So, if I get wet what happens then? Nothing bad happens, it just gives pleasure, just for a while, I thought if I get wet then what happens? Nothing! If I get dirty with rain water then what happens? Nothing! If I don’t have an umbrella then what happens? Nothing! For a while I released myself in the hand of rain and I gained the pleasure of liberation, liberation of many “Ifs”, from many questions such as “Then?” and many nonsense self-made constraints.
For a while I thought why every one has fear of rain, why every one escapes when it rains and they don’t have umbrellas? just for nothing, just for a misunderstanding and just for not knowing how inspiring the rains is.

I let myself under the rain, opened my shoulders and embraced the rain with my entire essence when I was knowing how good it is, and it was when I really felt it, I really felt how merciful, how kind, how generous and how clean the rain is.

I remember the first moment that was a turning point in my new liberated life, how the first drops of rain drenched me and slowly on washed out my fear and took me into another world, into a new world, a new world far from daily lives with its daily problems, it just took me into another world where there is no panic of the day and night, where there is no waiting for what happen next and where there is no suspensions and hidden things. In a world, where every thing is clean, clear, transparent, flow, moving, streaming, freshening and inspiring exactly as the rain. In a world where there is no need to hide things and then feel regretful, there is no need to take time and discuss with consciences, because in such world the conscience itself is present and obvious it doesn’t have a disappearing essence.
As the rain washed out fear, it is like it washed all the sins as well. I discovered another valuable thing here as well out of rain that is the relationship between fear and sin. I found that fear always comes when there is a sin, so when one is sinful he is fearful and when one is sinless he is fearless as well, but just there is need of clarification and evidence for the presence or absence of sins which could be seen through the transparency of the rain and believing eyes.
I just felt that the moment rain fell on me and gave me the new feeling; it was as if someone gave me a new world, a new life and thus I discovered that a drop represents a see and when I could feel a new life by a drop of rain, why shouldn’t I live every moment of life fearless and as some say “life is now” then why shouldn’t I use every “now” of the my life mixing with each drop of the rain and why shouldn’t I get into the rain and become everlasting by flowing always. That is what I learnt from the rain and I counsel to everyone else who want to be ever-flowing as the rain.

It was an experience of only once, but that only one time was the beginning and now I am a good friend of rain and I always go under the rain when it rains. It is like the only best friend I have. Now on, I have strengthened my relation with it and I never miss it when it comes and now one can break this friendship, because I am a part of the rain now and the rain is a part of me, we are like one soul into to bodies and no one can separate us unless takes the life of one of us which is not possible either.
If someone kills me, again as I am rain now, a drop of mine represents my whole essence and that is how everlasting essence is made through such strong friendships.
And I am saying all these to those who are going to love me and be a friend of mine, I will run inside their hearts and give them the same feeling, the inspiration as rain has given to me, I will make them rainy as I am, believe me! And in order to believe me you just need to have a heart as the rain, a clean, a generous, transparent and big enough heart so that I share my feelings with you.


A time to compromise to my heart!

You know what? After the friendship and merging with rain, I finally discovered that so far I was always escaping from myself when I was escaping from my heart and my mind, as long as I went any where, at any place, they are the non separable elements of my essence and are always with me, and from the moment they are not with me anymore, I seem not to exist anymore, although they are the cause of my non-curable disease because where ever I go, it is with me and still I have to run from myself so at the end, I decided to remain how crazy I am with all my internal quarrels that is with every one else as a human being. But now as a result of friendship with the rain and liberation from the world, I am a bit partial and normally I take part of my heart rather than my mind, because I know my heart is big, generous and very clean as the rain that is it!
And if you want to try my heart, you can try it without any permission!


زدست دیده و دل هردو فریاد
که هرچه دیده بیند دل کند یاد
بسازم خنجری از جنس پولاد
زنم بردیده تا دل گردد آزاد