I am going to hate the city

When someone screams and finds no one hears, he is lost in the grandeur of his surroundings, the big city full of attractions and no hearts in them.

As big as the city gets that small the human beings become, he thinks then.

The big the city gets that small the hearts of human beings become. A city, a big city with its all attractions can easily isolate a man throwing him on a little part of it.

For long I did not have time to sit aside with my heart and talk for a while until today, when I had allocated sometime for it.

It was all because of the city that makes me run in it, here there so I got distant from my heart. So far running, rushing I have lived for the city but from now on, I would reduce the running hours to let me live for myself, for my heart, not for the city and its attractions, in order not to leave my heart but to live with it.

I woke up from a long sleep when I saw something on the road among the crowd. Just it was that day when I found a piece of heart on the road.

Yeah, I dreamed it, but as it was something real.

It was when an object shined on the road, in the middle of crowds, for me it seemed like a red apple, and for a while, for a short time I thought to have found my lost red apple, the one I was looking for to obtain it back, but when I approached it, I found it a piece of heart being thrown, but still throbbing slightly on the rocky stony road where being mashed under the feet of men, the uncaring creatures crossing the road.

Then the next day, after that dream I really found one the same type that I had dreamed, on a real road when rushing in the city. First I didn’t, but then I cared about it. I stopped to see it better.

As I opened my eyes better, there around me I saw more of them, as if growing one after the other on the road, but the people around, no one cared about, as if they were all blind, mad or senseless or as if no one had seen something as important as a piece of heart.

Therefore, after that incident of finding pieces of hearts everywhere on the road, I then decided to get as far from the city as possible.

Since then I feel that I hate the city, I really hate it, I have to run away, escape from it. I should come out of its abdomen.

Yeah, it is true, I wanna refugee to a village, to a country side, to an open place where the purity of the stream would feel me, embrace me and would give me the flow, a place where my voice would reach to the canyons, thought I have never been to, except for short times.

Oh my dears, I should rather half me into two parts my be, like the red apple, yeah just like the red apple I had a few months ago, and keep one half here in the city with its all memories and remembrances and take my other half to the country side to an open nature, where I could shout and my voice would echo in the canyons and all living beings would hear it, and it would reflect back to me, as if some talking to me.

I would keep the second half here within the city, to remain in the grandeur of the city, in the city abdomen, being imprisoned by the rocks and careless people.

The remaining piece in the city would guard the pieces of heart on the ground being trampled by the men without any one cares or cries for them.

This remaining half of me would witness the juncture of pieces of heart on the ground under the feet of men that could happen one day soon.

Within the glorious city these days as higher the buildings are made that deeper the voices are suffocated, as more crowded the city gets that careless get the pedestrians about the pieces of heart being thrown on the roads.

Oh my God help me out! it seems as if the time has come for me to come out of abdomen of the city but I have to half me into two parts; take one with myself, and leave one in the city with the pieces of hearts, but the question here is; Which half would be myself, the one going to hear the echo of my voice in the canyons or the one remaining with the pieces of hearts under the shadows of the skyscrapers?!!

I, the Red Apple and the Doctress

Keep going on Qais, Do not give up!

Photo from Kabul Press

As September came, a cold autumnal breeze entered into and touched inside my bones signaling me of the autumn, a season for separation; first the season themselves one goes and the next one comes,then begins the separation of leaves from trees and the separation of friends from friends. It got colder when November came then December is on its way with witness of snow and other occasions.

This November, actually these days, feeling so solely I remembered of a friend I never was friend of him neither he was of mine but I got to know him, after he was no more on this dusty ball, a friend I knew after he died, better to say after he embraced death by his own wish.

His name was Qais or is Qais, Qais Dehzad. Two years back, he did a suicide, one early morning of the same kind, perhaps a cold morning in November he was found dead leaving behind a letter as his will for his friends and beloved ones.

It is horrible though to remind of a sad happening, flying of a soul, but sometimes life pushes us to touch even up to the border of life and death or just to peep into the other world, that is when we remind of the ones who left us behind some days or years earlier than us.

When reminding such stories, sometimes fear takes over, but if we see the end of the story, there is no way, soon or later every one has to depart for the same destination to join their ancestors though the routs differ one from the other, remembering this fact, then fears fly away instead of soul flies.

People like Qais, may have been so much aware of facts on this dusty ball that we are unable to see and feel them or perhaps they have darken their world by their own hands, no one really knows except God.

The reality is that life is hard in itself thus every one may have his own problems and difficulties of any type and the only way to experience it is to live, have more patience, breath to keep going on and to fight with the difficulties until you reach to the last moments.

Last year, I translated his "Will" and wrote some lines about him that comes in the following.

24/1/2008

How poetic he flew and left all his friends alone!

How difficult was it for him, but he did it. How disappointed he was in this world, but he succeeded to fly up happily and by his own wish.

Hearing about Qais e Dehzad, I assume every one's heart would throb for him who knew him and who was familiar with his characteristics and his activities for the youth of his society.

I assume it might be late although to write about him now, but I couldn't take it easy when I know more about him even though very late.

It was once in mid August last year, I saw him in an event but yet we were not friends.

****

Some three months after that event, when I had already left my home country, suddenly one day, I saw somewhere in the internet a very sad news headline" Eventually Qais e Dehazd has left us as well! " seeing the photo, I knew it was him but I didn't know how and why this young poet died and nothing else I could do except praying for him to Allah, that was some two and half months ago.

****

Again these days I was searching in the internet, when I found that his death was a suicide. A willingly suicide that he did to be free as said by in his will! How horrible it is when someone commits a suicide I thought, sometimes it confuses us when some body does a suicide and it may seem totally fool or nonsense for us but he might have reached to the end I assumed.

He was a young poet, writer, human rights activist and vice president of a cultural Foundation in Kabul called Bonyad e Arman Shahr "The Ideal City Foundation".

I was more curious to read more about this recently deceased* young Afghan poet- writer and reading some pages about him written by his colleagues, friends, lovers and some other poets and writers I then recognized him better what kind of person he was, but unfortunately it was too late.

There are three things that make me interested to write these lines about him; first to let the people of the world know why a young Afghan poet committed suicide and finished his life, the second reason is the difference between his Ideology for a suicide and the ideology of the other suicide bombers who kill many innocents along with them through terrorist attacks and the third thing is some of the similarities of my own ambitions with his which he didn't succeed in his life regarding what we can contribute to our generation, to our country and then to the world.

****

His "will" that describes his reasons for a suicide, was published in some blogs and websites in Dari Language then I thought the only thing I could do for him was to translate his "will" into English and post it in my blog for the readers of my blog.

Quoted by his close friends, he was partly palsy after receiving a apoplexy* just one week before he does the suicide.

****

Below is the translation of Qais e Dehzad's "Will", the young Afghan poet, writer and cultural activist who did suicide in November 25 2007 with open eyes and very thoughtfully after he thought that he is not going to be very useful for his people, but not ignorantly like the blind Taliban who do suicide and take the lives of other innocents too.

His "Will"

Minutes before walking towards his death, he picked a pen and wrote all these:

“Crying is Haram (prohibited) on my death. Any one wants that my soul* would be peaceful should take a pen and fulfill* the goals I had. I do suicide and kill myself to criticize all those who do suicide to take the lives of the others and thus I want my family to bury me with the same cloths I am wearing just right on the way of the latest innocent who is martyred by the suicide attackers.

I ask them to bury me very late at night so there should not be traffic jams and problems for other people, so that my death would put a full stop for the people who do suicide ignorantly to kill the other innocent human beings.

I do suicide to defend the poor and to tell the international community to take care of them and that there should be no borders in the world in between the men of different lands. I ask the most expensive or the richest football player of the world to help the poor of Afghanistan, India, Pakistan, Iraq and Palestine.

I do suicide to shake the world of Islam and to criticize on its people that why they do not fight against ignorance, illiteracy and poverty.

I want Saudi Arabia to allocate all of the benefits of this years "Haj program" for a bank that would feed the poor of Afghanistan and makes them houses and shelters, and I want all the Afghans not to go to the Hajj until there is no poverty in their vicinity, until they do not demolish injustice and brought social justice welfare in their country.

I hang me doing a suicide to show my solidarity with the women movements and to tell the world to stop hanging executions.

To tell the world to stop torturing in the prisons, I do suicide.

I hang myself to show my correlation to the people who have been oppressed and no one have ever rescued them.

I am fed up with injustice, administrative corruption, oppression, discrimination, racism and NGOism* I hang myself and through this way, not humbly but proudly give my message to the whole world that it is enough, no more fights, no more killing of human beings ,stop all these bloodshed!

By hanging myself, I want to tell Bush, Condoleezza Rice, Ahmadi Nejaat and other leaders of the world to stop investment on nuclear weapons that takes the lives of humans instead invest on the culture of peaceful living, eliminating the borders in between countries and eliminating the illiteracy and poverty in the world.

To criticize the forced marriages, paying BAD* (BAD*:a tribal tradition of enforcing a girls to get married with a person in exchange of blood, when someone kill some a person, his daughter or sister will be forced to get married to close relative of the victim) superstitious traditions and thousands of other pains I have about the human beings with me, and to show my sympathy to the people who beg in India, who die of hunger in Africa, who are born partly disabled in Hiroshima*, who are born palsy in Shelimcha* and who beg in Kabul streets, which I can not tolerate anymore I hang myself.

And I hope my friends continue my works and my activities in Bonyad e Arman Shahr. ( The Ideal City Foundation) I want Ms. Zhelaa Bani Yaqoob and Mr. Jaadi Merani my best friends to assist my other best friend Guesu Jahangeri and I want all other firends and collegues while I can not write their names as grudge and my emotions enables me to do so, to fight against injustice, ignorance and illiteracy.

I want my brother Sayed Merwais Dehzad to follow the Shahnaama reading programs with instruction of Ms. Jahangeri and cooperation of Qadeem, Shoala,Ms Diana Saqib,and Ms Veda Saghari.

And I don't want that many mullahs attend on my funeral prayer and I don't want any Holly Quran reading ceremony for me, they should not put me shroud on and they should not make types of food on the funeral ceremony so that my death would create a new page of a new culture so that on one's death ceremony there should not be many kinds of food while there are many hungry and poor people begging on the streets.

I don't want to make traffic because of my funeral, because I want to finish the luxe* and fashionable funeral ceremonies that has become a part of our daily culture of nowadays.

The person who did the funeral prayer for Mr. Alemi in Qom, I want him to do my funeral prayer, whether at home or any where he prefers.

I hope other scholars would struggle against, illiteracy, ignorance, superstitions, nonsense traditions, forced marriages, suicides and self burnings and would work and invest their time on instructive lessons for the people.

I do suicide to show my sympathy to the Dolphins* that did suicide in group because of the oppression of the human beings.

I do suicide to say no need for World War 3!

I do suicide that my family, relatives and my people stand against all those problems that force a human being to hang himself.

I suicide so that no mother would quit her daughter as Zohra* did to her innocent daughter, and no father would witness his daughter without mother, as I did.

I hope my death will finish the culture of divorce* in Islam so that there should be a never ending commitment in between the married spouses.

I ask Ms Jahangeri* to say my words to the people of my land and then to the world and tell to my mother that crying is Haram (prohibited) on my death.

I ask Guesu Jan to take the responsibility of Nastaran (my 6 years old daughter) and bring her up as you, a brave, intellectual, hardworking and struggling woman to fight for human rights

I kiss the hands of my mother and my father, the hands of my brother and the face of Nastaran Jan to forgive me for what I am doing, and I wish they do not cry after me at all, that is it.

I just want every member of my family to live as the men of the history as always they did up to now, they should avoid fighting, instead they should try more and more for education, knowledge, professionalism and fulfill my goals so to make my soul happy.

I want my friends in KASHANA* to establish their student movement as soon as they can and some one should be my successor to speak instead of me.

I correlation with* those who do not have a shelter, who have been oppressed with, who have been discriminated ethnically or racially I hang myself.

I want my friends in Bonyad e Arman Shar to assist Ms Bakhtari with her programs about Maulana (The great Rumi), and send her the list we (I, Mr. Amini and Ms Jahangeri) made.

I have written the programs which are all in my computer and I hope you will all give hand to each other to conduct them. I hope Kaka Noor, would train good researchers for the Afghan society by conducting his research methods trainings in Bonyad e Arman Shahr.

I thank Guesu Jan for all she has done for me and I have learnt many things form her.

I thank Zhela Jan, who has assisted me a lot and hope that she keeps cooperating with Bonyad e Arman Shahr, and I do defend your women movement this way.

I thank Mr. Ibrahim Yazdi who promised to give me some books. I hope Ms Jahangeri follow it up and built the library I had in mind, with the help of my brother Merwais Jan, this way they can make me happy.

Just deliver my letter to Shiekh Tavasol. My father is my proxy/advocate. I request him to allocate my land property of Behsood to Nastaran (daughter) and Zohra (separated wife). The other piece of land property I have from Mosavi Gul Tapa my father should give it to Nastaran. I wish my father tries a lot to nurture and train Nastaran and to keep my mom happy. I again emphasize that crying is Haram in my death.

Regarding Nastaran talk with Guesu how she can bring her up.

Oh, I forgot to say that I hang myself to criticize the predator private sector system.

I hang myself to show my sympathy to my dear daughter who is suffering without mother and to say that I can not tolerate that someone dies in Africa, in India or in Iraq how would I tolerate to see my dearest ones dies before my eyes.

Yes, I am a man who hasn’t slept for three day and nights and has been thinking about all these. I wanted to write a letter to President Karzai to tell him about all these problems, to tell him that an advocate has received seven hundred dollars as bribe from us in order to release my brothers*, I hope my suicide would end bribery, oppression, suicide bombings, forced marriages, self burnings, discrimination against women, homelessness, The New Liberal Capitalism, the ethnic, religious and sectarian wars, superstitions, executions, torturing and all such problems.

My brother, Merwais Jan, you and dad both should take the responsibility of the children and keep working for Bonyad e Arman Shahr so that to fulfill my goals.

I kiss your hands, my mother Gulali Habib that you cried for me from the core of your heart, I respect you a lot Mrs. Habib!

I should not forget that I hang my self to object on turning off the microphones of women in the parliament.

I do suicide to struggle against injustice and inequality that exist in this world while I want to say that we have not been able to introduce Islam correctly to the world and we did not do enough for it.

I want to say we need justice, brotherhood, not crusade and the geographic, religious and sectarian wars.

I wish some one would reach my voice to the world and let the world know that one person hanged himself for humanity, and defending the human rights.

Guesu jan, Ms Zhela jan, Ms Bada Paima, doctor sahib, Mr. Nadir Jahangeri and Ms. Safi nia jan, Maryam Atta Khorrami, Mr. Dawood Naji, Mr. Amini, Negah jan, Masoud jan Qiam and all other friends of mine, please tell every one in the world why I did this.

I wish I lived longer but sometimes non existence is necessary for a long existence. If I have fulfilled one of my goals this way, with this decision, I am sure my soul will be with you for ever.

While thanking I apologize all those who proposed to marry me. I apologize all of those who I promised to do something for or to find jobs for but could not do so for. I thank all those who had helped me and seek pardon from all those who may have been offended or somehow hurt by me or if I made a mistake to and I hope they will pray for me to God.

I wish Hiroshima takes three seconds for silence for my death because my heart has throbbed a lot for all disabled people, I wish people in Shalamcha* would pray for me because all nights I cried for the those who are born disabled. I want all the rich in the world would help the poor and I want the entire world be friends with each other.

I want there would not be any suicide attacks in the human’s history. I want every one would wake up and I want to shout that all what I was going to say is left, but my goals will not be buried along with my body, I am going to save the life of someone in this world.

I want all the Muslims pray to Allah for me, and when my grand parents Zahra and Ali (daughter and son in law of the holy prophet) welcome me in he paradise, it is enough for me.

I am to cry and I have sob in my throat, I wish I had time to tell you all my pains.

I am with you and I did this for humanity, for love and welfare of the humans.

I wish they forgive me whose names I forgot to write, Oh, I want Ms Sabarina Saqeb to take my message to the parliament to work hard and to do their responsibilities better.

I want to say to all the organizations or individuals who we asked for humanitarian assistance for our organization, no to give up your support to Bonyad Arman Shahr (The Ideal City Foundation) which is one of my ideals, I believe this organization works to bring positive changes not only in Afghanistan but world wide.

Merwais Jan, first of all contact my friends; Dawood Naji, Ruhulamin Amini, Diana Saqib and Malik Shafii to inform them about my death and then they would let the media know about it.

Take the car of Mohaqiq Zada and take me over night to the place I have recommended, only with a few number of people and bury me with the clothes I am wearing. I am again repeating that crying is Haram in my death.

I recommend not taking any funeral ceremony for me and only the person who has prayed on Alemi in Qom should read my funeral prayer, and there is no need for any Holly Quran chanting or additional fortieth day ceremony of my death.

Actually I did not renovate extend the expiration date my passport so that I was going toward the real Arman Shahr or The Real Ideal City.

My greetings and good bye to all humans in the world

Sayed Qais Dehzad

Click to read more about Qais Dehzad
Qais Dehzad 1
Qais Dehzad 2
Qais Dehzad 3
Qais Dehzad 4
Qais Dehzad 5
Qais Dehzad 6

Life is full of forks and crossroads

The fragile life is very tender and sensible. This sensibility is easily seen when are on a fork, or on a crossroad on its map, especially when we are to make a decision to chose one of the ways.

Here one “YES” or a “NO” can change the whole direction of life; if this fragility is not seen carefully the outcome of a “YES” or a “NO” could be full of regrets.

Here you see, just a little word with three letters or two, could change the whole life sometime.

There are always forks and crossroads ahead of you on the map of life and it is you to be genius enough to choose the right path; in work, in love, in travel, in friendship, in studies and in any parts of life there are two ways to choose one.

Throughout your life, it may have been very hard for you to observe the real meaning of life as everyone has his own definition of it; the same is as everyone leaves for his own purpose though there might be many people who just live to take their share of oxygen that is it.

Not yet, you understand the real meaning of life, one said one thing the other said another thing, made you so confused, but as you many times faced the forks and crossroads of life, you have easily noticed only this point; you don’t know what life is but you know it is very tender, fragile and sensitive, that is it.

There are always times when you arrive in a fork where there are two ways in front of you to choose one, there is where you are two careful to play with your cards of “YES” and “NO” with it. Here a little word of two or three letters is worth a lot for you, for your destination and direction you are going to move towards.

Saying “YES” or “NO” how far you could go for instance or how different you could be then by either of the words. In fact there you play a gamble with these little words, you may win or lose.

Sometime it comes to your mind that the fragility of life is just a matter of time that one can be brought to an exam, where a word could play an enormous role in his life, what a fragility you think, how weak you are, you feel when you are a loser in this gamble on the fork of life and you may find you too far distant from what you expected you to be because of using a word inappropriately or not thinking about it carefully.

When you don’t know how to decide about it, which way out of the fork you have to choose, you may tend to take help of anything or anyone you can think of; here is when your mind is blocked and you refer to your head, scrolling your memory back and forth, refer to your heart, that is sometimes as big as Caravan Sara, and sometimes as hard as stone, you refer to the eyes and looks of the person you loved the most to take help choosing the right path on the fork, you refer to the blinks of the stars in the dark sky, the ones once you marked them to be your friends at nights of loneliness, you refer to what so ever you think of to help you make the right decision and finally you decide; you may be right or wrong then, but it is done already and something would happen then.

Latter after it, you may blame yourself for why you did it, why you made a blind decision to move on a path of life if you had mistaken, but better would it be to keep going on with what so ever has happened. Even if wrong, you did right, even if making a mistake, still you proved your existence; that you still exist to decide no matter if right or wrong.

Or you may come to blame the world, or to make fun of it, what a funny world it is, only a little word could change the entire life of a human being?! What a game it is being played with the humans?!

May be here you come to know the importance of you, and you come to know there is no need to blame you for making a wrong decision, but you also come to know that the whole life is ahead of you to make mistakes and learn, and another secret you get to know is that, there is a proportion between you and the world outside of you. As you get nearer to the world, you may get distant from yourself, then again you would be on another fork to choose which one; as a result not to lose yourself, not to give up, you choose to get distant from the world to be yourself and since then although you may seem to be moving to the opposite side of the normal stream, but you remain happy to remain yourself then.

It is the loneliness that gives you time to study yourself and think deeply.

At the end you may have fear of the unknowingly happenings, but then only liberation is to save you, and you already liberated yourself from uncertainty and you can bear the consequences as well, that is it.

Keep smiling!

How much it costs you to smile once?

“Nothing.”

And how much it is worth when you smile?

“A lot, even a world, even a life.”

Then why don’t you begin each day with smile to profit with the deal of “with no costs is worth a lot.”

So let’s smile for ourselves and for the others and let’s let the others smile, this way, with a smile let’s blossom like flowers and define the world differently.

Let’s forget that for long we had forgotten to smile.

With a smile, let’s grow up once again with a smile let’s plant the seed of hope into the heart of the others.

With a smile let’s cover our sadness and not transfer to the others the burden of the pains and sorrows each of us carry in our own hearts.

With a smile let’s make a silence full of unspoken words through which only hearts are put in contact via the links of dazzling looks of eyes.

With a smile let’s surround our world with tenderness and protect us from aggressiveness.

With a smile let’s alter badness into goodness, with a smile let’s transfer energy to the others.

With a smile let’s open a path for the ray of light, with a smile let’s open a window into another ideal world for each other.

With a smile let’s transfer sense and warmness into the other. With a smile let’s reflect the inner beauty we believe in.

Over all, when you smile you look nicer, and more important, when you smile you give me a new life, so please keep smiling so I would live longer with it.

Yeah, I am talking to you, keep smiling always this way at least for me if possible.

Funny people, funny world!

There was sometime that hardly people asked for Alda Merini’s books but once the other day many people came one after the other and asking for Merini’s poems which were among the other poem books in a corner in the poetry section.

The night before that day, we heard that the seventy eight years old famous female Italian poet died on November 1st 2009, and thus the day after many people came to ask for her books hearing about her death on television.

In the library "bookstore", there is a section, that is filled with books or works of the recently deceased literary figures such as writers and poets as well as famous artists and celebrities of cinema, television, theater or music and as a joke we called that place the table of the dead.

Until a few months ago I didn’t know that it was a table for the occasions because no one had told me about it, then I discovered after Michael Jackson died on 25th June, then died Fernanda Pivano a famous Italian writer, journalist, translator and the table was filled with her works, then on September 8th died Mike Bongiorno and there were all books on him on this table and this time Alda Merini but not known who else will be died so the people would come to ask for his books?!

Here, on this piece of land, where I live, people asking for the titles of the books by the recently deceased authors, seems a bit funny for me, but I don’t know if the other parts of the world is the same or not.

The writers, novelists, poets live with hardships, in their own designed world to live longer after going under earth, but how funny the people are; not knowing the values of their works until they are dead. And when they are dead, bluff begins and every one cries after them, and then their remnants gets worthy.

As the death of an artist, an author calls people’s attention, towards him and they will begin to search to know him which in reality is crying for the spilled milk.

Wow, seeing this I thought, what a business it would be for a bookstore, “Let’s suffocate the writers to get their books quickly sold. It is totally a new idea in this funny world with funny people!!”

Read more about Alda Merini here

Laughing from the core of heart

People laugh when they are happy some laugh when a funny scene is seen. Funny things happen and make people laugh. It also happens when someone is sad and laughing, it’s happened to me. It is when you pass a very hard time and an unhappy condition then you begin to laugh on your situation to laugh on your destiny, to laugh on yourself for a while.

It is when you are not happy to laugh but have left everything to forget them just for one moment of a very quick happiness, a moment that passes in an eye blink. It is when you laugh from the core of your heart in this short moment though you may be internally sad, but this short laughter makes you not feel anything sad in spite of all difficulties you have.

Here in this stage of life, minutes and seconds are counted and every single thing has its values for you and you know you are experiencing the real life. The way it should have been felt, experienced and lived.

It is when you are moving back reviewing the pages of your life in passed time. You come to another understanding of life, you may feel and things all your life time, as long as you have aged so far, you did not use things the way they should have been, you did not live the way you should have.

Another short laughter comes to you, you laugh again, this time harsher and again from the core of your heart;

you laugh for your own life when you feel regret in you, in how you lived, how things went with you. You do not see anyone to blame, it was you and you are made this way you come to the point. Yeah this is you, this is your life in fact and this is your direction to move towards on the map of life for that with no worries keep going on, do your best, it is you the way you have been, you are made this way.

You laugh again shortly; this time on your fate and destiny you may blame it.

In a real comedic situation, you learn it is the real life and you say to yourself, take it easy man, it is not only you this way, every one has his own story of pains and confusion to share but perhaps they do not have the ability or the courage to write it down on a blank page as you do, therefore.

Do it, write it down, this is the only thing you can do. This time you laugh on what you discovered; this is life, sometime happy, sometime sad of course. You have passed many difficulties and bore many pains and still breathe to live on. And you got as well, there is no way except patience and tolerance; no worried, this will pass as well therefore continue laughing from the core of your heart.

The joy of loneliness

Today after some time I am here again, on this page, just check marking my presence on the attendance book of life and to show up and say that I still exist. To say that I still breathe and I am still strong, too strong to be myself.

I am still strong in my faith, in friendship, in struggle with life and in falling in love, as I was always but this time even stronger than anytime before.

Today once again, I am here, to show up and you would know that something is wrong and would ask me, what that is. Today you know that the bowl of my patience is pouring out as my sorrows had exceeded the limit of my tolerance, and I am coming here to share it with you, with my friends, with my best friends and with the readers anywhere in the world.

It was sometime, that I kept quiet, to be drown into myself, to get to know me better, to discover me in loneliness, where there is no one else, where there is no imaginations and ambitions that sometime blind us from the existing realities and where there is no fake mirrors. It is when one can find oneself easier. It is when one can throw out all what has inside and then judge it peacefully and tranquilly with himself.

There is no doubt, loneliness could result to isolate one for sometime, but what is obtained in this experience is worthy, likable and adventuresome.
With this adventure one can drown down into the depth of sea of fear where he could imagine it to be the end, the border in between existence and non existence and then can come out swimming onto the shore of rescue, enjoying the power and ability of doing it alone, which he may not have thought of once.
With this experience, one can throw all the fears, the phobia and panic of inexperienced and unexpected “what next”s away to climb the peaks of self confidence, to reach to the highest level of ability by oneself.
It is loneliness through which you find even the God easier.

It is long though that I suffer the loneliness, but it is nice to be by yourself sometime. It is nice to have a world of yourself. It is nice to be able and to dare to dip you drown under the sea of loneliness for sometime to find you better, to find your abilities better, and to see who you are, then you can come back out, stronger, better and with more abilities.

Yesterday, yeah, it was just yesterday, when the directress at my work said something that made me very happy, hopeful as if I was given a new birth.

She called me at her office and said, “Amin, I heard something and I hope it is true. I know that you are working hard these days, therefore you seem to be sleepless, it is seen in your eyes, however good, keep doing your hard work and we will support you.”
I thought that she would not know about what I am doing, but she knew, I don’t know who told her, but she knew about it.

Well, may be someone had told her or she has seen by herself, because it was long that I was collecting the papers that were used and had one side blank, whereever at work I found. She must have seen that, may be.

It was long that I didn’t have time for posting on my blogs, for going out, accepting the invitations of friend’s outgoings and …

I was just drowning into depth of my loneliness and doing what I thought would work out one day.

I collected the papers with one side blank, to use them when I was on my way to work, in lunch breaks and my way back home.

Some of colleagues when saw me doing this, asked “what do you with these papers?” and I usually said, “I eat them.” and some laughed and knew that I joked. Among them one really had believed when I told him in joking that we have a special Afghan food in which white paper is the main ingredient and he was excited and said “Wow, when will you invite us for that special food?” and I said, don’t worry, one day I will.
It was very funny.

However, the directress said that she heard that I was writing a novel, and I said, “Yeah, I am writing something but I don’t know what it is, let’s see at the end”. But she was serious and said, whenever you finish it, our publication would be the first one to publish it in Italy but I said, “it is in English” and she said, “no problem we have our editors and translators”, it was how I felt that I was given a new birth, I didn’t know before what they thought about me.
I don’t know when I finish it but it just planted the seeds of hope inside me.

Yeah, it has been a long time, that I have broken my connections and communications with the world of outside, except being busy with my own stuff that is writing a novel, my first novel in English. Though I am sure, it is difficult for a non native English speaker to write a novel in English, but I do my best to do it while I am not sure in this moment who will publish it, or whether will it be published one day.

In this loneliness, when I have lost my connection with every one, I just approached to one, and that is “L” Literature, with which I write.

Since I am filling my loneliness with “L”, the Literature I am a bit happy therefore yesterday I announced that I am getting married with "L" the Literature, and our first child would be my first novel in English.

I know as a result of my loneliness and cutting connections with friends, I may have hurt some of my best friends, but here through this page, through this window I ask for their pardon. I ask them to forgive me and have patience give me time until I finish the work. I will be back to you all but with something in my hand.

And I know that the loneliness has also a limitation. Not good to be always alone, not for a long time and not for ever but for a limited time when necessary like my case.

I remember sometime, when talking with a friend and she said, "how long are you going to be single, this way crazy?" and laughing I said, “I am happy this way, because I am free, my wings are free and I can fly like a falcon, and there is no limitations how high I fly, where ever I go and” but she said, laughing, “Do not be too proud of being a falcon, one day one, (a lady) would be found to cut your wings and make you a hen, so dont be too proud!.” And we both burst laughing.

May be she was right, as later I thought. May be I making mistake feeling that having some one in your life means that you can not fly high, may be it is the wise versa, having one could help better fly higher.

However, I have thought about it but I haven’t made a real decision yet to get married. I still feel that I am still young to get married. Only until some time ago, I felt that I was not ready yet to get married but recently I have changed my idea, but may be I haven’t found yet the right person for me, the person of the same genre of mine, therefore I am still alone.

Yeah, I haven’t got married yet and I am still single but I don’t know whether it is the matter of fate and destiny or a problem in me. I don’t know. Ha ha ha ha ha

I have lost and found my God more than fifty times!

"Why human beings are so complicated sometimes?" Why are they made this way? Why are they so weak sometimes? And why do they need worshiping God? They are the questions that always bothers me and I asked many times myself why I was created this way but I didn’t find the answer yet, would it be better to ask God or the one who has created me, who has created all of us but no one has seen him or her yet. I am not sure, was it my nature from the beginning, or was it the surroundings that made me grow this way, worshiping God no I don’t remember and I don’t know it at all as I try very hard.

Actually sometimes it the blackness of blind nights when no one is around me to disturb me by breaking the fragile border of my loneliness, that guides me or better to say pushes me towards thinking about God. About the existence of someone who is always thinking about me, about someone who has created me and is taking care of me anywhere at anytime while I haven’t seen him or her yet as no one else did it so far.

Sometimes I blame myself for not worshiping enough my God, but neither do I know how to do it the best way. Is God only to be remembered when there is loneliness, when there is a problem when there is a peril or when there is a real dead-end?

Oh, my God, I looked for you everywhere, in the grandeur of the sea, in the depth of the night, in the crystal drops of rain and in the blueness of sky, anywhere I thought could be a sign of you as the only one, as the greatest one and as the creator of all creatures and you know where I find you finally? By looking for you in the strange places, I find you nowhere and I find you every where.

The people look for you in the mosques, temples and churches as if they don’t know of your presence everywhere as if they are unfamiliar with you or may be they are just in the search of only titles but not the reality of your essence.

Not only in I didn’t look for you in particular places but any beauties I saw, have related them to you somehow.

The beauty of the early moment of the sunrise, the rainbow after the rain, the tender drops of rain, the reddish color of the sunset, the blinks of the stars of the night are all for me somehow signs of your beauty.

Sometimes I find you in the beauty of smiles of a nice girl in Milan, who when smiles and her white teeth blink and her eyes spark in the eyes of the people looking her.

I find you in the beauty of the shape of a nice girl in Milan, and it is when I say to my self, “ Oh, my God, what an artistic trace you have created, and then I say, my God you made her when you had enough time to spend on her may be on a weekend, ha ha ha
And seeing that beautiful girl I come to believe that you are beautiful, you create beautiful things, and you like beautiful things.

Well, I know you since you gave me the senses, mind, feeling, love and sensation and then with all these freedom to think freely, and refer to you whenever I need you and wherever I find you, by all means, whenever I recognize you not by dictates of the others but by my own knowledge and choice.
Well, I feel lucky sometimes, that I know you, by your own meaning and by the power of the wisdom you gave me, with my own comprehension, but not by the force of any other person when I see whole system you created I really understand how small I am in comparison with those all, so I come to believe that you don’t need me to worship you as I am nothing in comparison to your power, your knowledge, and your grandeur, but instead I worship you to give myself a peace to give my conscience a relaxation and to have a judgment power within my own heart to control myself, to manage myself and then to achieve and maintain the real title you gave me; the best creature on the earth. That is all I think.

The others may look for you in the light of the sun in the day, but I look for you in the light of yourself even in the darkness of the night when everyone else is sleeping and everywhere is dark in black, it is you only entering into my heart with the ray of light of the sense you gave me.

I find you in the darkness of the night when nothing is seen, when no color is visible and distinguished in non existence of ray of light, it is you and because of the light you have, I could easily find you even in that darkness.

Some people and friends blame me of being infidel when I am looking for you in the strange places; in places where no one else would ever go to look for you, it is may be the way I have found you or have known you is different from the others for which I don’t care and I don’t have to care what the others say about, because the important is you, and you are the destination, while not important which way to reach to you.

One of the reasons I let myself to look for you anywhere I see beauties, is because I you have given me the freedom to select when you created me a free human with a wisdom.

Oh, God, I feel shameful sometimes because when I face with difficulties I come to remember you, and I say to myself why not always should I remember my God.

Well, I and should add this as well, when I make a plan to do something and I do my best, but then something wrote happens, then I say to myself, no God doesn’t exist, if existed then why didn’t help me out doing it the best I wanted to. When I come to deny you, or neglect you, the whole day, then I blame me of why doing this, but again at the end of the day, when my sadness finishes then I give me the right to be sad with you, as I don’t come to a logical point.

You know my God, sometimes I come to deny you when I see existence of many bad things in the world. Especially when confusion takes over* and I am mixed up with everything I say with my wails* through the depth of my hearth that why you don’t see all bad things in the world.

It is when I come to doubt you, your power, your justice, your ability and then at the end of the day, when I count better and relate things one to the other logically I again come to rely on you with a bit more carefulness and I see different evidences then I find out that well, I made a mistake to doubt you, to deny you which all because I lost my patience.

You know when else I get angry with you? I become sad with you when people misuse your name and your title for bad things and you don’t curse them all the soon needed. Sometimes it is when I see people commit crimes, kill people, betray to humanity and all bad things in the world and they legalize their actions just taking your name and relating all those to your name and at the end of the day , you don’t curse them, as you promised so.

I get sad, even angry with you, when I see all unjust and unfair treatments of people on the earth, especially by those who entitles them to be nearer than the others to you, and then I see, you don’t curse them and don’t demolish them, while I know and I am sure you are just, you are the founder of the justice but here I wonder where your justice is. I get sad with you when I see good people don’t live long, in the world, while the oppressors the dictators and the betrayers live long, well and with all comforts, it is when I come to believe that the paradise you promised may not exist for the day of the judgment.

Could I be infidel or not as may be felt by some of those who believe to be your most reliable believers but I say all these because I believe you are transparent and you like your creatures to be transparent , honest, and straightforward with you, so I am true and straightforward with you.

People, taking your name, do all possible bad things against the others and still you don’t curse them.

Therefore I don’t pray you five times a day, or three times a day as the others do, but I try to do things that you like and could be good for other creatures of yours.

I may not stand in public to show or pretend to pray you, but who knows how my heart throbs for you, who knows how I am searching you in every single good thing I see.

Others may only say but I do wish those things, for the others that I want for myself.
The others may look for you n public but I do look for you in the loneliness, where there is not a realtor or fake representative of you as a connector between us, but only I directly with you.

The reason of being sad with you could be of the freedom you gave me to be human along with the knowledge and the wisdom.

Oh, my God, help me always be the way you want me to be, always pure my heart and fill it with love, with brightness and with honesty so always thinking about you and always be useful for your other creatures, here is where I need your help, and the rest I do with the wisdom and power you already gave me.

And, oh my God, before finishing this writing, let me tell you about the most beautiful place I found you so far. The most beautiful place I found you so far is in the beauty of meanings of love and freedom, that is where I stop, concentrate and think about you and finally smile and feel happy.

خداوندا تو میدانی که انسان بودن و ماندن در این دنیا چه دشواراست

چه زجری میکشد آنکس که انسان است و از احساس شرشاراست

Life, fear, pain, rain and liberation!

It had been ages that I was witnessing a conflict inside me, between two parts of my inner essence, but I always took it for granted and never thought about it seriously as if I had seen nothing. Actually there had always been a conflict between my mind and my heart and this game is over finally these days, since I decided to compromise to one of them and let my soul fly out of the cage towards freedom from all responsibilities that exist for human beings on the land. It was possible when the fear as and old companion of my soul was gone away.

I did it finally and am not regretful for it but instead am very happy. As I said, am happy for finalizing it because I am moving out of inner chaos and quarrels after discovering a new way of continuing and going on towards everlasting.

Let me describe and compare these two parts first and then I will tell you how I have overcame this internal quarrel and achieved my victory.

My mind, a part that deals with logic, knowledge and senses always feels responsibility to do things correctly, as traditionally it is the habited in the world for every one, it alarms me of dangers, damages, and risks and always keeps me in panic on the other hand my heart is blind and generous, doesn’t go on with logics or understandings it just moves where ever there is no logic, there is no knowledgeable senses but instead where there are feelings, sensibilities and emotions. It sometimes behaves as a headstrong little child and goes wherever it wants to, and sometimes it is really hard to control it!

So far, many times it has been misled by my eyes and I tried my best to stop it through interference of my mind, but it doesn’t listen to me and most of the time it doesn’t obey my mind, what would I do then, I didn’t know.

It was almost becoming a dangerous civil war inside me and I didn’t know how to cease the fire in between the two parts. I was almost lost in between and didn’t know which one to believe, which one to trust. Both had reasons, reasons of their own each and it was not easy to take part of one and condemn the other one. Indeed there was need of judgment, a correct judgment, but I wasn’t able to do it, or I wasn’t the correct man to do it, perhaps, I didn’t dare to judge it. However, my heart said one thing and then my mind opposed it and when my mind commanded one thing, then my heart rejected it and didn’t accepted, and I was a witness in the middle, just a confused witness, without anything to say, actually I didn’t have the power to judge correctly, so, on the other hand, I never wanted to blame one and praise the other, so I always had to hesitate and this hesitation slowly on made me slow, powerless and drowning into confusion.

In the middle of confusion I was eating finishing myself quietly from inside which wasn’t seen by the others, by the people outside but it was me, suffering it from inside and as time passed, I went deeper into the confusion that was driving me towards an illusion which could gobble me soon.

I had different choices then; whether to hesitate and compromise to the confusion and go finish, to take part of mind, to take part of heart or to release my self from both the heart and mind and take a new way of living but I needed some help to choose either of the options.

I knew that finally I was coming to choose the third one, but still I need someone or something to share this idea with and act on it, but I had no one neither I knew anyone who could help me figure it out, how to come out of this quarrel. At least someone or something had to help me out and inspire me, how to liberate myself from the heart and mind business and begin a new way of living; a new life may be without neither one!

Well, as usual, first I referred to God this time again, and I asked him; “Oh, my God, please help me come out of this business, give me peace and tranquility” and I heard God saying me, “When coming to me, first, clean your heart and listen to what I say carefully, and then think about it with your mind and logics and then come to believe them.”
“Ouuuuuffffffff no! I came to you to escape my mind and my heart and again you started to talk about these two?!”

As I found that what God commands me, is all about mind and heart and again there is a link between what God says and what my mind and hearts quarrels on, no I can not come up with so I have to avoid it. Well, dear God, I am not the person you are looking for!

What else could I test and refer to? Music? Could it help me come out of confusion?
Well, I tested music but when I heard the first music sound, it went right into my heart; it really touched the threads of my heart and made me feel a pain in my heart. It went through inside my heart and made it drunken. So with music I am not neutral either because I took the part of my heart, and then what happens to my mind as I promised not to take part of one? No I can’t make it either. It is not something that could liberate me from the long lasting internal quarrel. There is still something related to heart and mind in it.

You know what?! Even once I decided to blind me; to take my eyes out of my skull because I thought it is all because of my eyes that see things and my heart runs for them and fall into craze and then my mind berates it, it is when the fight beings. However I then didn’t dare to do it, you know life is sweet.

On the other hand, to escape my mind, I wanted to go craze and lose my apprehension, but I found that I am already insane and it is useless to redo it, because there is no need for it.

Well, I had to see other things then; I tested reading books, I tested walking in the park in sunny days, I tried saying funny things and laughing with friends and many more things but unfortunately none of them were a help to come of out the problem and cure my disease. Oh, my God, help me out! I am totally confused!


And you know what? Finally, one day, in a rainy day, which I first thought were a sad and a bad day, but indeed it was the day I got my liberation. It was the day when I learnt how to liberate myself out of the responsibilities, out of the panic of life, out of fear of being a human, out of fear of what happens next and what to do then.


The rain, as a messenger of liberation has petted me tenderly while loping from up showering on me showing me how to stream as water, and how to bring smiles to the lips of buds, now to green and the greenery. Very simply as simple it is, the rain told me of not to be afraid of what all exists in the world and just let it go, as it goes.

The first moment, when it began to rain, I was baffled not having an umbrella, as every one does when it rains, not knowing the mercy of rain, again panic came to me, panic of being drenched, fear of getting dirty, fear of getting sick, fear of appearance of the eminent parts of my body as my clothes get wet and stuck tightly on my body, but I was totally wrong, as always negative, while in reality it was not the case and I was misunderstanding it. Perhaps, by then, I didn’t know about kindness, freshness, cleanness and the generosity of rain until I really felt it by my own senses from very close distance when it touched me.

So, it rained and slowly on drops of rain went into my clothes, first it was a bit strange, then as I was getting wetter I was losing fear and I was thinking fear of what?
So, if I get wet what happens then? Nothing bad happens, it just gives pleasure, just for a while, I thought if I get wet then what happens? Nothing! If I get dirty with rain water then what happens? Nothing! If I don’t have an umbrella then what happens? Nothing! For a while I released myself in the hand of rain and I gained the pleasure of liberation, liberation of many “Ifs”, from many questions such as “Then?” and many nonsense self-made constraints.
For a while I thought why every one has fear of rain, why every one escapes when it rains and they don’t have umbrellas? just for nothing, just for a misunderstanding and just for not knowing how inspiring the rains is.

I let myself under the rain, opened my shoulders and embraced the rain with my entire essence when I was knowing how good it is, and it was when I really felt it, I really felt how merciful, how kind, how generous and how clean the rain is.

I remember the first moment that was a turning point in my new liberated life, how the first drops of rain drenched me and slowly on washed out my fear and took me into another world, into a new world, a new world far from daily lives with its daily problems, it just took me into another world where there is no panic of the day and night, where there is no waiting for what happen next and where there is no suspensions and hidden things. In a world, where every thing is clean, clear, transparent, flow, moving, streaming, freshening and inspiring exactly as the rain. In a world where there is no need to hide things and then feel regretful, there is no need to take time and discuss with consciences, because in such world the conscience itself is present and obvious it doesn’t have a disappearing essence.
As the rain washed out fear, it is like it washed all the sins as well. I discovered another valuable thing here as well out of rain that is the relationship between fear and sin. I found that fear always comes when there is a sin, so when one is sinful he is fearful and when one is sinless he is fearless as well, but just there is need of clarification and evidence for the presence or absence of sins which could be seen through the transparency of the rain and believing eyes.
I just felt that the moment rain fell on me and gave me the new feeling; it was as if someone gave me a new world, a new life and thus I discovered that a drop represents a see and when I could feel a new life by a drop of rain, why shouldn’t I live every moment of life fearless and as some say “life is now” then why shouldn’t I use every “now” of the my life mixing with each drop of the rain and why shouldn’t I get into the rain and become everlasting by flowing always. That is what I learnt from the rain and I counsel to everyone else who want to be ever-flowing as the rain.

It was an experience of only once, but that only one time was the beginning and now I am a good friend of rain and I always go under the rain when it rains. It is like the only best friend I have. Now on, I have strengthened my relation with it and I never miss it when it comes and now one can break this friendship, because I am a part of the rain now and the rain is a part of me, we are like one soul into to bodies and no one can separate us unless takes the life of one of us which is not possible either.
If someone kills me, again as I am rain now, a drop of mine represents my whole essence and that is how everlasting essence is made through such strong friendships.
And I am saying all these to those who are going to love me and be a friend of mine, I will run inside their hearts and give them the same feeling, the inspiration as rain has given to me, I will make them rainy as I am, believe me! And in order to believe me you just need to have a heart as the rain, a clean, a generous, transparent and big enough heart so that I share my feelings with you.


A time to compromise to my heart!

You know what? After the friendship and merging with rain, I finally discovered that so far I was always escaping from myself when I was escaping from my heart and my mind, as long as I went any where, at any place, they are the non separable elements of my essence and are always with me, and from the moment they are not with me anymore, I seem not to exist anymore, although they are the cause of my non-curable disease because where ever I go, it is with me and still I have to run from myself so at the end, I decided to remain how crazy I am with all my internal quarrels that is with every one else as a human being. But now as a result of friendship with the rain and liberation from the world, I am a bit partial and normally I take part of my heart rather than my mind, because I know my heart is big, generous and very clean as the rain that is it!
And if you want to try my heart, you can try it without any permission!


زدست دیده و دل هردو فریاد
که هرچه دیده بیند دل کند یاد
بسازم خنجری از جنس پولاد
زنم بردیده تا دل گردد آزاد